No Moss Grows on a Rolling Stone

I think that everyone has a time when they feel like they do not have the chance to stop moving for even a split second. That is how I have felt for the past 4 weeks! I have six more weeks left at school and it seems to be flying by and dragging at the same time. On top of that the moving situation is getting clearer and hairier all in the same instant and then wedding just seems to be steam rolling along just fine.

This clinical is showing me what I really want but I can't help think, am I really getting the full experience? How much am I missing spending the majority of my days in the fast track area and only having one 20 minuet experience in the Trauma Bay? Spending time in a pod assignment, only for two hours for a few times in the past few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I am learning things but I feel like there is so much that I could be seeing and I am not. This was also pointed out to me by a fellow classmate who works in this clinical department. I have started to wonder in my head if this will prepare me for being a nurse on my own. Hearing, "It is too busy for me to let you do anything. Checking your charting and going back through everything just takes too much time," is a phrase that I am hearing a lot lately and I have kind of come to expect it. I a hoping that with this midterm evaluation coming up that I can see what my preceptor  actually thinks of me and where I stand in this whole situation.

The job hunt is still as barren as the Arctic Circle. Not a single phone call for an interview or job offer has been extended. I am starting to wonder how we are going to be able to afford to move and plan this wedding if I am unemployed. I am also trying to figure out how I am supposed to afford to take my boards when it costs more than three paychecks combined to register...Yeah... I have started to look for options outside of the nursing realm. Yes, I know this is not the best way to go but living off of a part time minimum wage job is not going to allow me to sleep with a roof over my head and shoes on my feet let alone food in my mouth. I hope that this is not the universe telling me that I made a huge mistake but I don't feel like I did. I think if it were a mistake that clinical would not eventually make waking up at 5am seem not so bad. (Okay, 5am is always bad but once I get going on the floor I realize why I am there.)

Apartments. I have not looked for an apartment since 2006. Nothing has changes. I forgot that hunting with another person makes it more difficult to get to a place where you can both stand to live. I understand one place is two hundred dollars cheaper than the other apartment that we saw but I would not pay to live in a place that looked that grungy. It could just be that the person just woke up and that they hadn't really cleaned up but there was very little storage, the ceilings were sloped in some places, and it was just sooo dark. I felt like I was in some sort of fort cave thing with carpet that matched the earth, and no it was not green. I am okay with a one bedroom apartment but I am not okay with the one bedroom frat house apartment just so that we save money and are motivated to find a house sooner rather than later.

The wedding planning is so far going swimmingly! Next week we are meeting with a potential photographer and we are also waiting to hear back from a potential DJ. Along with that, the whole wedding party has almost been chosen. I have one more spot to fill and he is waiting to hear from one person to see if he had one or two spots to fill. We agree on the degree of fanciness (AKA very little) and I think that we are in agreement of colors as well. I am not completely sure about the colors but I think I know what they are going to be. I am just having such a hard time with seeing a color pattern that I want. I know that the venue will be white lines so I really want the colors that we choose to pop out on the white. As usual, he does not care what color we pick but he has been very proactive with getting the photographer and the DJ set up. We also have the room block set up and ready to go.  I think we are moving right along. I hope that simple stays fantastic!

One of those nights

I have to say, up until a very recent few days ago I was having a pretty good streak of optimism. It has come crashing down in a flaming ball of vengeance right into my face. So much for trying to reintegrate myself and be productive at the same time. This will be a reminder to never try this again.

We have picked our venue and our date for the wedding! I am so excited for the venue! It is everything that we want and need all in one place and I don't think we could've done better judging by the things I found in my research. Right now we are chugging along in the planning. I have been dragging my feet on the color scheme but we are going to talk to some photographers and DJs to make sure that we have the booked for the big day. I also found out that one of my trivia friends is an ordained minister and I am going to see if he will marry us and how much his fees are.  I feel like having someone we know marry us would be an awesome addition to our wedding. I have gotten 2 acceptances for my bridesmaids and now I just have two more to get. I know who I want my third person to be but I am jumping between a few people for the fourth. Other than this third person, everyone else I want to ask is out of town so I don't want to add any pressure to them and I know from personal experience how stressful it can be to not be in the same town as everyone else in the wedding. I do not know if he has picked any one for his groomsmen but that is his job not mine.

So I attended my first family event since Christmas eve and I must say that it was not as bad as I thought it would be but if it is any predictor of what it will be like at my wedding, there may be a deep freeze in the midst of the summer. I spent the afternoon talking to my sister, brother in law, uncle, his partner, my other uncle, his wife, and I played with a cat. My mom did not say a word to me. At the end of the night, after my grandparents left, I told my parents that we had decided on our wedding venue and that we were going to pick a date because we were debating between two weekends and if we should do Saturday or Sunday. I was so nicely informed that the date I wanted for the past few months was, " The worst date to pick ever. What in the world makes you think that is a good idea? People have holiday plans that they do every year and they are not going to want to deviate from them You will ruin a lot of people's holidays..." Thanks mom, that is exactly what I want to hear about my wedding. I told her that the site has a website and that there is a photo gallery she can check out. I said I would email her a link but that if I was not able to that she could type in the name of the venue into Google and the first 5 links would lead her to the site. I stayed later at my parents' house today to tell them in person that we set a date and have started planning. All of a sudden my mom says, "You will have to take me out to the site so that we can plan it. I need to know how formal and appraise the situation..." All I could say was, "You didn't look at the website yet?" This was apparently the wrong thing to ask because then all of a sudden she did not know the name of the site or the website or how to find it because I did not send her a link by email so how was she supposed to know. So I reminded her of the conversation that we had on Sunday and she doesn't remember the conversation at all so she doesn't think that it happened. She turns and asks my dad if he remembers the conversation and he told the truth and said yes. At this point in time she decided to start yelling at him for not telling her and not reminding her to look at the website. By now, I am fed up as all hell. So I tell her that we are getting married in a civil war era barn and they we are going simple and not formal. She did not remember any of this conversation. Then the whole thing turned into a big stink about meeting his parents and I just told her that they probably won't meet them until the wedding. The whole mess has now turned into how inappropriate that is and how awkward it would make the wedding. That is just unacceptable and my finance needs to do something about it. I am not (nor can I) forcing his family to go out to dinner with my insane mother.

I have no idea what to do with all of this. We were doing so well and getting organized and planning and I go to tell them one thing and I am wishing I would have won the battle to go to City Hall. I hope that this is not a bad omen but right now she can't be part of the planning because I will not survive it. I don't understand why everything that I have done so far with planning is horrible. That opinion of her's is not going to change and it will not make anything easy. I heard the things that she and my grandmother said about another very nice heavily planned event and I am so afraid that they are going to go around bad mouthing me like they did that person.

To night is one of those nights where I wish I lived somewhere else. There are a whole bunch of loud annoying guys in my house drinking and carrying on why there are a group of girls in the attic. I am getting from every angle and all I want to do right now is go to sleep. I have a 12-1230 in the ER tomorrow and quite frankly this is obnoxiously annoying and not conducive to my life right now. If I could just detach the room from the rest of the house that would be great right about now. Here is to sleep I will not be getting anytime soon...

Some days

I was thinking that all the stress and aggravation of things was in the process of disappearing. I was quite wrong on that note. I seriously feel like I might have been just slightly delusional when I was thinking that. As it turns out, all the stress just shifts into a different spot, kind of like osmosis, from high concentrations of stress to lower ones.

The stress of buying a house is now gone. Instead it is stress of looking for an apartment. Our target moving date is in July or August so there is still sometime to look. However, I know one of the persons getting ready to take an already empty room at the current house is someone who I can only take for limited periods of time. Don't get me wrong, this person is a very nice and caring person but just way too hyper for me. So the unsaid goal is to be out before this person moves in. The other stress is finding a place that is not a slum, affordable, and in the area we are currently in. I know I have only been searching two days but there have not been a lot of options in the two days I have been looking. Hopefully, this stress will pass quickly.

The main stress on my mind right now is twofold. School and job hunting. School because I am trying to juggle my preceptor's schedule, my school schedule, getting my hours in and forcing myself to stay at work to get enough cash to cover random expenses. Not only that but graduation is going to be a battle. There us just so much stupid family politics dealing with invitations that I would just rather not go. There are people that I would LOVE to invite to my graduation due to their support and the fact that they are proud of my accomplishment but inviting these people and not certain family member would start an amazing uproar. Said relatives were not supportive of me nor did they believe in my ability or that I should have even gone to school. My question is, why should be people who did not support me, my decisions, or my accomplishments be there to celebrate? To me, they shouldn't be but because they are not there the people who did support me can not be there. I know that does not make sense but what will make this whole thing make sense is that those who are not invited will hear about the others being invited in passing conversation. This would mostly happen because the invited people would assume that the family members would be invited. This would just cause gossip and unwanted conflict that I want to avoid.

The other scenario that I am fearing is the uninvited guest being invited by a parent (and showing up) because this parent feels that the family member should be there. I have actually debated not sending my parents an invitation and just telling them all the details a few days before so that this can be avoided. As I am typing this I know that I sound like some paranoid and possibly delusional person, but would be extremely upset if this person showed up at my graduation, especially unannounced.

So far there is nothing on the job front. So many applications and no call backs. It really is starting to make me freak out and the calming don't worry bull that everyone is spewing does nothing for me. I also hate that they basically did a bate and switch on us. They tell us there is this whole big job pool and then every single week the job pool is smaller and smaller and smaller so that we are being advised to take the first job offer we get no matter how miserable you will be for the year you must stay there. I feel like they think that we are all just fresh out of high school or college with no experience what-so-ever and will eat this "advice" up like candy. After being in some of the units and specialty areas I have been in, I don't know how easy it will be for me to go back.

Tomorrow we are going to see a wedding venue. We are hoping that it is what we want/need. I want to set a date and start planning. I want to know where we are doing this so I can start to get all the info I need and start getting everything set up so that I can do all the research I need to make this all sooo much easier.

Some day the stress will go away or just become less intense.

7 more weeks...

So there are six more weeks of juggling clinical, random mandatory class events, work, and life. Seven more weeks left in the term and I am getting more and more antsy everyday.

The interview day that HR set up for the school has been done for about two weeks. I only got one interview and no call back. I have been putting in applications anywhere from one to five applications as a time. I have not had any calls for interviews and a freak out is right on the verge of happening. I am hearing of who has gotten call backs and I am wondering either what I did wrong or how this person was able to get this job? One of the positions accepted kind of blows my mind...

So today I took this exam called the HESI. It doesn't count for anything but it is supposed to predict how people will preform on the NCLEX. I learned that I need to by a Psych NCLEX book because that is where my lowest score was. The school has set their acceptable pass number at 850 and the pass number at 900. I did pretty well so even if I don't get a job after all this, I will still be an RN, haha!

This week we are going to look at a wedding venue and I hope that it is what we want and that we can just do the deposit and start getting this stuff done.

Now that we are not looking at houses I need to start looking at apartments and finding a job. If I don't get a job right away we need to make sure that wherever we go that won't affect it too badly. I am hoping that does not become the situation but there are no guarantees in the job field. I just hope that I hear something soon because with finding a place to live, planning a wedding, and having other costs kick back in this could be either something good or something bad. I am hoping for the good.

Anything else want to get complicated...?

8 more weeks to go and I am ready for them to go by very quickly! This whole scheduling thing between our one theory day a week, the hours we are required to put in on the clinical floor, a quality improvement project, and working outside of all of this is killing my brain. It just makes me want to not do anything once I figure out the week! Between floor hours and the class hours, I understand some of the regulations and rules they put in place but my faculty leader is taking this to the extreme! I really and truly in many of the up coming weeks could have my week in by Monday and then gain back the hours that I am missing these first two weeks but no. If my time between school and shift is even one minuet less than 8 hours it has been deemed not able to do.... Kill me now.

On other news, we have decided that a house will not be happening for us at this point in time. Everything is not coming together as smoothly for us as we need it to so we will wait a year or two. I am really bummed about this because I was hoping to have a house before we got married. It is not like we won't be living in our own space but an apartment just feels like a step backwards or a random go between till we get to where we want to be. I am hoping with all the effort I am putting in on this job search that I pass my boards on the first try and we can get a house ASAP!

Wedding news is a little better. We are going to see a place in about a week or two. It is out in Ligonier and I hope that it is as nice at the pictures and that it can be everything we want/need it to be because I want to get a date set and start planning so that we can take at least one step forward! I know that you shouldn't sign on the first place you see but getting at least on thing under control would be a plus!

This past weekend I did get to have some fun and spent sometime in Washington D.C. We had a good time. I do have to say the rough spots on the Metro did make me want to puke at times. I spent the first night loving Sangria from the Pirate Bar but the next day's breakfast was a good pick me up. I got to see the Smithsonian, but only selected galleries but they were pretty fun. We took in a DC United Soccer game and it was a lot of fun. I will say with the rain and as it got colder I was distracted by the task of looking for the hot chocolate vendor who was walking through the stands, haha!

The job front is probably the worst complication yet! HR was nice enough to set up an interview day to give us an option/a chance to get a position. They did not get enough information to give us as job applicants to allow us to make informed decisions. We did not receive any information on which units and floors were hiring so we all made decision based on what we wanted not what was available and what we wanted. So then we had decide what we would settle for if all of our first choices were off the board. I was only able to get one interview for this interview day and then when I told the HR people that I applied at three other hospitals that are not where I am at school and I also applied for a position that they told me was not available to me. I think I got the  worst " How did you find that information?" look from the lady. I know that they are trying to help but by withholding information and "forcing" us to go where they feel we should go is not the way to do this. There are some people that do need to go to a med-surg floor and I think that if I were one of those people they would have put me on a med-surg floor for preceptor. I just can not see myself being functionally happy for at least two years to fulfill a tuition remission program and not get burnt out from the insanity that comes with the floor.

When does complicated smooth out?

Not so Quiet on the Western Front

So preceptor started this week. The ER will be a great place! I was so nervous last night I really thought I was going to have a revisit of what I ate for dinner. The nurses, docs and PCTs were all really nice and awesome. They made me feel really welcome in the DEM and were more than willing to give me learning opportunities to see and participate in. The team work was great and I have a feeling it is going to be a good 10 weeks.

Right now, sleep scheduling is going to be the biggest thing. I am going to be working a lot of over night shifts so I will be sleeping for a good portion of the day. With that said, I actually have no problem changing my sleep schedule, it is basically already done. The problem is going to be with the roommates. See, one of our roommates is moving out and I understand packing and moving and disassembling things that need to go but NOT AT 830AM! I was so nicely woken up by massive thuds that sounded like they were going to comes straight through the ceiling and kill me. These were not the usual work out thuds from the weights either. I was quite miserable and angry. When I said something to someone who called me around the same time I was told to chill out. Well, I would chill out if this person was as respectful to the rest of the house as we are to her. She doesn't sleep well and just in general has issues with sleep and sleep cycles. When she is sleeping or we know she will be sleeping, no one does anything that could be loud or disruptive. This includes vacuuming, cleaning certain rooms, and basically anything that would indicate that there is life in the house. I have say that this is not the first time I have been woken up by this at all. This is also the same person that will snipe the bathroom from you ( or just knock and then barge right in without even making sure it is okay) when you are trying to get to class or go to work because she is going to bed after coming home from work. I think it is safe to say that I am either ready for me to leave or for her to leave. I am really coming to my wits end with all of this because it is almost like " You can't do anything its this person and they are just that way and they don't understand." Well I can tell you what I don't understand, why can she break all the boundries and respect rules about living with others but the rest of us have to tip toe? It isn't just the noise either. The amount of dishes that were left in the sink for about a week was ridiculous. Why were they in the sink for a week.... because this person went out of state and left the for me to do and quite frankly I wasn't cleaning up after this person again.

Moral of the story: There is a time when roommates are an idea of the past and they need to stay there.

One more day!! I have to believe that I can last one more closing shift or else I will probably tell the customers to make their own coffee and leave them standing there. I will admit that really is not a good plan because after graduation I have at least 5 weeks until I will be able to work with my GN license. This bomb was just dropped on me on Monday...What great timing! Looking to buy a house, planning a wedding, and trying to change a career path is probably a bomb waiting to go off.

So, tonight I ended up training the new person that will be taking the place of the other girl who left before me. Apparently, the training is going swimmingly according to my boss. She had the genius idea of having our weakest employee train the new kid so that weak link would learn what she did not know. My question in this whole thing is, how do you expect to have a competent employee by training this way? Well, that fell through on the very first day that it happened. My boss ended up micromanaging the training sooo much that I spent five and a half hours waiting on customers and rushes on a Saturday night myself. After all the closing was done, she decided to make an example out of the close and started messing with the beverage case and trying to bake last minuet. Needless to say we ended up cleaning up her mess of broken juice bottles. We did not get out of the store until close to 11 o'clock. It was horrible. I found out tonight that the training had not been going well at all! The kid shakes like a leaf anytime there is a line. At one point he apologized for using the direction cards to make drinks. I didn't understand so I told him there is no need to apologize, you are doing what you are supposed to be doing. This is when I found out that anytime he is moving too slow for her or not doing it the way that she wants snatching (this is the word he actually used) the cups, ingredients, and cards out of his hands.  He was afraid that I was going to do the same thing to him! I was so appalled!  To calm him down I had to tell him " I will never snatch anything out of your hand because one it is rude, two it is obnoxious, and three you will never learn anything if I am ripping it out of your hands all the time." After that he calmed down and was okay with me helping with drinks when there was a line. He should not be that shaken coming into work.

In better more happy news, we may have found somewhere for the wedding. We have made contact with them and told them the day that we like. We are going to try and make an appointment to go and tour the place and the grounds early next month. Along with that, we looked up the closed hotel. Since the wedding with not be in Pittsburgh, we will need to block rooms for most of our family and friends, especially my family. If we go with this place, everything is included with an on site organizer. Since I know he wants dancing for sure, we will be limited to 250 people, which is plenty big enough for me. We may reach that number very quickly because it has to be a kid friendly reception.  So far the price points on the menu and brochure seem pretty good compared to some of the ones I know I will find here in the city. Apparently he is really excited to see this place because he has been to some events at a different area of the venue and it is near a lot of things he grew up by. I am just as excited to see it because it is a big first step but it will make 2 things (venue and date) disappear from my wedding to do list!