I have about 30 hours left in preceptor and the hits just keep coming. So many unexpected things just came flying out of nowhere that I have no idea what to do with it anymore. At this point in time all I can do is walk in chin up and hope that I can do enough to undo whatever it was that was done. I will say I do have a new preceptor and so far she is rocking my socks off! I have a new goals list to make for my shift tomorrow night and I am just wondering how many of these things will she empower me to do?
I think after this month, I will not think of school for quite a while. I will do what is needed to pass my boards and then take a break from the insanity. I know they say that it will be harder to go back to school if you take a break and that is probably true. I need a break. 30 hours might not seem like that much but sometimes those hours are so jam packed and daunting that I would just like to walk out and go to sleep.
Graduation is coming up and I don't want to go. I walked at my high school graduation. I walked at my college graduation. I really have no desire to walk at this graduation. After three years of school mixed with a shifty nonsupportive outside system ( you know if this description DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU), I really feel no need to parade in front of a group of people that have no idea who I am and the ones who do, only a possible 4 out of the 5 who might attend actually are happy that I am finishing school. I have already been very vocal about no plans after graduation. This has not been listened to or considered in anyway shape or form by any person who was told. I can tell you that my mother, her mother (who I ever so sweetly informed if she wanted a party she could throw her own damn party), my sister, and my fiance all say at the end of the conversation, "Well, think about it and let me know what you want to do." I already stated that I do not want to do anything. I don't want a party. I do not want to go to the bar or have a celebratory dinner. I can not believe how difficult this could be to grasp. I think the one girl in my class made the best example for my case when she was telling us about her son who is graduating from high school and he did not want a party. Her immediate response to that statement (she informed us) is this, " I am your mother and I deserve a party." I can safely say that runs along the same lines as, " You shouldn't question why I want to invite someone to your wedding. I should just be able to send them an invite because they are my friend with no questions asked."
The move is coming up and the job hunt is at a stand still... I think I have come to terms with the fact that there is a good chance that I will not have a job when I graduate. I may not even have another interview until I pass my boards, which by the way is really killing me! I don't know how much longer a part time job that pays pebbles is going to cut it because it already is not. I hate not having the employment part of my future secured in the way that I want it to be secured but all I can do is submit more applications and wait.
Waiting with patience is not something I am very good at so I guess I am getting some much deserved practice.
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