Orientation is now over! I had my first shift as a nurse yesterday. It was good, bad, ugly, and crazy all at once. One of the girls told me that she "made sure" that when the charge nurse made the assignments that the two of us were given easier assignments since it was our first shift on our own. I know that she meant well but the night shift is really no comparison to day shift in anyway. I walked in thinking "Oh, that was really nice of you to think about us," and it quickly turned into, "Even though you were trying to be helpful, your night assignment is the shittiest assignment for a first "On My Own" shift during the day." I had people going everywhere at all times and more surprise stat orders than you could feed a pig! On top of that, I had an urgent situation that kept me on my toes and one in my assignment that was not only monopolizing time but terrorizing other departments and messing around with equipment making life very unpleasant for everyone. I some how made it. I may have left very very late but I did not end up cowering a corner crying while ripping out all my hair. My mentor (preceptor) and many of my coworkers said that I did a great job my first day on my own. Even the charge nurse who I had to ask for help escalating a situation said that I did a great job because "No body every knows unless they ask." It felt good that my co workers checked on me to see how my day was going and to make sure that I was okay. It was also nice to have a fellow orientee on their first day who helped me out and was going through the same thing right beside me.
Things are moving along pretty smoothly right now. Wedding planning is moving along. I ordered my dress on Saturday and it went more smoothly than I thought. My mother said that she wanted to see the dress before I ordered it and I automatically thought of what happened with my sister. She ended up not getting the dress that she wanted and shopping for a long time giving into all of my mother's "demands" while trying on dresses. Now, my sister did find a dress she loved but from where I was standing she was kind of brainwashed into getting a dress that my mother wanted her to get. Of course, she tried to get me to try on a lace dress and other dresses. Then she wanted me to try on belts, I hate belts. In the end, she tried to put a veil on me. I had enough at that point. She said that she likes the dress and we (Jenny, the sales lady, and I) kept her in control but she kept trying to "improve" everything. "Well, how are you doing your hair? Will you put ribbons in it? Why not? How about flowers? Why don't you want a belt? You should wear a veil, you know that right?" In the end the comment was, " You might be thinking simple and that is not "BAD" but you are going to look too plain." I can safely say that I will not be wearing a veil or a belt because I like my dress and I think that she needs to back off. At lunch, she told me that I need to choose more "traditional" music. I don't like traditional wedding music, so I will not be letting her in on anymore planning. I just get annoyed because she does not realize that she wants me to do things that I don't like.
She is still pushing to meet with Marc's parents. He said it is not going to happen but she keeps nagging me about it. Like I can make his parents go to dinner with you because you feel the need to give them duties and plan out what you are wearing for the wedding. FYI, I can't. She is just going to have to deal. She is also pushing me to apologize and "make up" with her mother. She keeps telling me "You need to fix things by Christmas." She gives me this guilt trip every time and every time it just reminds me how she thinks that her mother calling me stupid, undeserving, and a horrible person is my fault and that the second time it happened she told me I was a horrible person and that I ruined Christmas for everyone. She seriously thinks that I am in the wrong and that I am at fault for everything. She also thinks that I made up the fact that her mother called me all those things and the second time smacked me in the face when she was in the room to hear AND my FATHER told her it happened. She only thinks of herself and what is good for her. She put her self in the middle of this and "it made her so sick" that she "couldn't eat" knowing that there was a "rift" and that I had hurt her mother. She never asked ever about me. She just yells at me and insists that I need to fix all the harm that I have done. Apparently, the fact that I don't come to family events and avoid all of them at all costs has not made it cross her mind that I don't care about repairing a relationship with this woman. It is sad because I miss the rest of my family but unfortunately no one crosses her. Until my mother gets her nose out of it and realizes that she hurt me as well by calling me a liar and telling me everything is my fault, I really don't want to see her or them. I can safely say that I don't think about any of unless she brings it up, which pulls me out of my beautiful world that had been being built quite nicely with someone else!
Keeping my chin up and my thoughts positive because being on my own at work will be rough and the wedding planning will be crazy but I have people that I love and who are great all around. The support system that I have formed outside has been almost a dream!
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